i took a bath.

i took a bath in myrtle beach's crown plaza hotel's jacuzzi suite. i haven't taken a bath in 5 years. i remember liking baths. my girlfriend takes baths. not in my bathtub. it's not very clean. i wasn't doing anything else. i brought my t-mobile blackberry that i don't really enjoy anymore into the bathroom with me. i placed it upon the ledge of the jacuzzi tub on top of a towel and proceeded to slowly submerge my peeling, yet semi-tan, 5'9" frame into the uncomfortably hot miniature sized jacuzzi that shared a small space with mirrors that acted as wallpaper. i tried so hard to keep my hands from touching the water that increasingly became dirtier and dirtier causing me to challenge the decision to take a bath in a hotel room that housed a certain type of person that i would call an 80. i quickly grabbed for the towel that my unnecessary blackberry was sitting on hoping my brain would believe that i'm not dirty anymore now that i have dried my infected hands. while drying my hands, i tug too hard on the towel and the phone that i never thought i would miss sunk to the bottom of the annoyingly small jacuzzi tub that was just beginning to cool off.

at first i was scared. then i gained some confidence that it was still alive. i soon learned that it was going to take a bit of surgery to revive it. i figured i could just deal with it after my curious bathtub experience. i stayed in the bath for 20 minutes and never felt clean. i pulled the plug, and turned on the shower head. i wish i had remembered to also close the curtain. i caught my blackberry getting a free car wash and i panicked. my only reaction was to kick my blackberry off the ledge. in doing so, my battery flies out and lands in a small puddle that had formed from excess splashing in the tub. i dried it off and placed it on the sink counter. i cleaned off with a shower.

my blackberry is now possessed. it works. but it will randomly text my girlfriend, jessica jane, a blank message. she gets confused and upset. she yells at me. i'm only kidding. i have never heard her yell. i love her. i bought a tracfone for $15 at a cvs. i can't get it to register it's minutes. i haven't been able to use it. i can text undecipherable messages to jessica jane, but that is only more annoying. lucky for me, i have another cell phone that i retired for the blackberry. i didn't like it anymore. but if i'm being honest, i can't wait to reactivate it.

it's funny how much we rely on a cellphone.

kourtlyn jane stack

i already love this girl. she's my niece. she was born today, february 12, 2008 at around 5:45pm. my sister says she's beautiful. chances are, since she's my sister's daughter, she's definitely beautiful. i can't wait to know her. i hope she will learn to love her uncle joppa's thrift store finds. she's going to get a lot of random presents. just ask his girlfriend.
why am i referring to myself as "his" and "her uncle joppa's"? perhaps because i wanted to announce that i hope that she calls me uncle joppa? that's what my sister called me when she was little because she couldn't say johnpaul.
i welcome you into this world, kourtlyn jane, and can't wait to meet you.
i hope you have a freckle on your neck.
by the way, you share the same birthday as:

christina ricci
charles darwin
judy blume
arsenio hall
abraham lincoln

i loved casper.

one big urinal.

i had the incredible privilege of attending the NORTH CAROLINA TARHEEL game the other night. it was a dream come true. my buddy was awesome enough to get me tickets to the much anticipated game and was able to get 1 ticket about 6 rows back from courtside and 2 tickets in the 200 level. he took courtside first half and i took courtside the second half. the first half ended and i chugged the remaining coke from my souvenir mug and headed down to courtside. a combination of the excitement and the natural occurrence of having to pee immediately became evident.
i made my way towards the bathroom and noticed the slow moving mens line. i really had to pee. in one hand i had my souvenir mug and in the other hand i had a jacket. i didn't realize what sort of contraption i would be peeing in. otherwise, i would have put on the jacket. that, and the jacket happened to be maroon which was the color of the opposing team. as the line became smaller, i realized that i would be peeing into one large continuous urinal without a ledge to place anything on top of. i was wearing a pair of button fly jeans and immediately became paranoid that a couple different scenarios could take place.

1. it would take me too long to begin the peeing process due to strategically loosening my belt, unbuttoning my jeans and removing a certain body part all while holding a souvenir mug and my jacket. this scenario would ultimately give me stage fright causing me to have to pretend like i had finished peeing. (but this was an option)

2. i could attempt to put the jacket between my knees and the souvenir mug in my mouth, but i really liked my jacket and didn't want to see it land in a puddle of continuous, mix-matched pee.

3. i could pretend like i received a really important phone call causing me to give up my next in line position freeing me of any sort of embarrassment that options 1 and 2 would produce.

let's just say that when i got to my hotel room later on that night, i peed like i had never peed before.

i'm so upset right now.

it's a couple of hours before i have to start slinging beers. i could read a book. i could stalk people on the internet. i could catch up on some bills. i could return a few phone calls. but it's already too late. i turned on the television and have become sucked in. i am watching mtv. i am ashamed to admit it, but it's got me. my least favorite show is on. my sweet 16. i hate this show with an intense passion.

"the $40,000 mercedes isn't expensive enough. what's the most expensive car you have?"

i despise this show. i am really angry. i have to change the channel. i can't. it's almost over. the only good thing about this show is that it exploits these kids and their disgusting self absorbed teachings. are their parents to blame? absolutely. the only way they can manifest love is through money. this is what they are teaching their children. and soon, their precious daughters will be expecting the same treatment from a man.

i hope i have money to provide for my family just as anyone would. but this show displays the most dysfunctional behavioral lesson of love anyone can teach someone. i am really angry. i will never watch this show again.

alright, i have to go to work. i really hope that they are showing reruns of the gauntlet when i get off.

mixed nuts.

i have been staring at this publix brand of mixed nuts for about 20 minutes now. i keep wanting to snack on them. but of course there's a problem. you see, the only kind of nut left in the can is the peanut. i am so over the peanut. i mean, if they were all peanuts to begin with, then i might be into it, but because i have been teased with 3 or 4 other types of nuts, i am always disappointed by the peanut. it even says on the can, "...with 50% peanuts" as if that's what we want. Every once in a while though, i shake the can a bit, and an almond pops up. i am happy for at least 3 minutes.

this girl...

she had a birthday today. well, yesterday. but today is still today to me. it's 3:13am in the morning. tomorrow is tomorrow even if the date is different. how confusing is that? it always messes me up. i'm like,
"so, i'll see you tomorrow?"
"like, tomorrow as in today?"
'Wait. do you mean today like, the 3rd or the 2nd?"
"i mean today like the 3rd."
"i'm spending the night, so i guess it doesn't matter."
"um...okay."
she's great. she's a bit quiet...at first. but you have to get to know her. she's so mysterious. she thinks i'm weird. i am so curious about her. she's beautiful. she's so beautiful. she's smart. she reads a lot. she blushes often. her laugh makes me feel things that i have never felt. she is always cold. she's so modest. she's funny. she's so funny. she smells so nice. when she gets around someone with a southern accent, you'd think she's from alabama. you are so sweet. you are so kind. i am a bit crazy about you.
you have to meet this girl...
happy birthday.

the vine.

it comes from outside and has somehow managed to push through the dry wall that boasts my bay front windows. most people think it's fake. it's real. when i first moved into my 1920's victorian style apartment, the vine was only 4 inches long. someone had been trimming it. how sad. the vine is determined. i decided to let it stretch. it's really amazing how long it has grown. some areas of the vine are exposed to the sun and have begun growing leaves. my apartment is alive. i've had several friends say it reminds them of jumanji. i love that movie. it really is an amazing vine. i might write a children's book.